My oh my~ I thought being near to the end of the year would give me much free time, but … how wrong is that!
Life doesn’t want to wait for me. It needs to keep on going! And maybe, because I am still part of it, I feel like I also have to keep running. Am I engined by fear? Or guilt? Ambition?
Maybe I need to provide my own free moments a.k.a leisure time. Maybe I should perceive daily activities or “survival activities” as some kind of pleasure, so I don’t need to have a separate leisure time. Maybe I should find small things that delighted me during those daily “duties” and note those tiny moments as pixels that compose my leisure time. Maybe “free moments” are just a sort of illusion, for I am not really sure what I am talking about. Or maybe I need to “catch” some heartfelt rare moments, be still, absorb everything and put them inside a transparent jar of memory.
Or maybe leisure time is like the light at the end of a tunnel. It is like a myth, whether the light is really there or not, nobody can tell. It is easy to ask “where is the end?”, “is it worthwhile?” and “should I quit?”. Everything is still dark. Now, what I have in mind is I should <a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/saved-by-the-bell/”>continue</a> running because staying in the dark is not an option. Maybe I just need to have some faith and enjoy the journey. Embrace self-denial and say “this is good for me” (add: for the long term/future).
For now i have to get organized. Otherwise it would be so difficult to get some sleep. Like now. I was so sleepy the whole day (when I’m supposed to get things done) and I cannot sleep at night (when I’m supposed to rest and be recharged for the next day). In short, without being organized my life has (again) started to become a mixture of 1. guilt: because not doing what I (feel like) should have done 2. panic: because I’m not sure whether or not I could finish the tasks 3. escapism: because to avoid stress I postpone what I am supposed to do. And the cycle goes on. As a result I got entertained by too many strange dreams in each sleep.
Please tell me this is holiday season.